There was recently a death in the family, so it is something that came up in conversation tonight.
It is never an easy thing, even if it was a relief for the person, perhaps if they were physically suffering; for the family, it is the learning of how to cope with a sizeable grief and empty space where there just was someone dear.
While I think we are getting better in western society talking about death, there is still more we can do, especially for our children, but also for ourselves as adults. Now, I am no expert on this topic, but death is part of all life as we know it, and it is important that we, and the children in our lives, understand it, and have tools and support to process the feelings that come with it.
Many adults become uncomfortable discussing the subject of death with children, sometimes making up new words or phrases or even saying an animal is having a nap when passing a dead animal on the highway. Or replacing a goldfish that recently died with a new one before the child sees it. Or getting a new kitten as soon as the old cat dies. While this is meant to comfort, it is less helpful in understanding death and grief; a ‘gentler’ way to start discussing this subject is with our dear pets, who have a much shorter lifespan than us.
My grandmother died a few years ago, and my kids know that I still get waves of sadness and longing about that. They understand that she is no longer alive in her physical form. But they are also knowing and experiencing her through stories we tell them, and actions and habits that we carry on. We share memories, photos, and small bits of who she was; for example, I might say, “You know what Uroma would say if she were here?” in something we are experiencing together.
This year, I wrote a children’s book about the subject of grief. It helped me process some of my own feelings, and I’m very proud of it. In the fall I will work on sending it out to publishers to get picked up. It is a beautiful story, and a moving way of how several people are impacted by a death, and more importantly, how they process this grief.
I want my kids to understand that death is part of life. I want my kids to be able to process feelings of grief, and to talk about these hard things without feeling ashamed or uncomfortable. Books are a good way to start exploring these subjects, especially if we are at a stage where we are not comfortable approaching it ourselves.
Sending love and healing to you all.
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